I struggle to figure out who I am in this world. I’ve been torn between two things my entire life. I don’t just two things in one context, I mean two things in every context. I was born in Libya, dedicated by Ghanaians in an elaborate dancing ceremony, raised in India for seven years, and have been growing up in America for the last ten or eleven years. I’m torn between different ways to practice my faith. I’ve been raised Holiness Pentecostal, been a member of: a Malayalee Pentecostal church, an American church, and an African-American church. I speak two languages fluently and I can understand another. I’ve experienced the quiet and laid back life of Portland, Oregon and the fast paced and high energy style of Los Angeles, California.
I say all this to reaffirm what I’ve been thinking for the past hour as I’ve lain in bed completely lost and confused. My entire being is a deep and unfathomable mess. I am African-Indian-American, English-Malayalee, and Christian-Pentecostal (sort of). This sort of explains the pause when someone comes up to me and asks “Where are you from?” Even more amusing is the fact that these people ask me this question in hopes of talking to me about India. My response is almost always: Oregon. I’m coming to the end of my time here at Azusa Pacific University and I’m very lost on where my life should go. I want to do broadcasting because, simply put, it’s the only thing I know how to do. I can write a decent news story when the time requires it. I want to study more theology because that’s what I enjoy doing the most.
As I was explaining to someone tonight, my carefree and independent side tells me to do theology if it is truly what I love. Yet, at the same time, my Malayalee brain tells me to make the smart choice and do broadcasting. Some friends tell me that there is no reason I should choose either. Some say, why not both? I am deeply lost. Fundamentally confused. It doesn’t end here, however. I’m lost in terms of theology. A lot of what I thought was true as little as two years ago have been turned upside down. I’m not sure why this is all happening but I’m assuming that God has a purpose in doing so.
So, in short, the one you know as DeCruz is completely incapable of figuring out his own life. Just as he was in 2004 when he graduated and just as he will be six years from now.
It is a new day and the beginning of a new era.
Unbelievably cliched, isn’t it? I’m not talking about the sentence, although it may be contrived and pitiful. I speak of how cliched the atmosphere is as the United States changes for good starting tomorrow. As George W. Bush steps off the national stage tomorrow and Barack Obama takes the central spotlight, it is interesting to note the evolution of my own beliefs over the past eight years. From being someone who thought with absolute intentions about every single significant issue in his first year of high school to being in my last year of college and having a complete sense of helplessness about what to believe and where to stand on the issues. In 2003 and 2004, despite an initially murky attitude on the subject, I became a fervent opponent of gay marriage.
Surprisingly, I was still in support of marijuana legalization. In 2009, it appears that I am an adamant libertarian depressed at what the future holds. My friend sent me a text today to ask me to join him in watching the Inaugration and I responded with a snarky remark on how I would be crying into my pilow about the advent of full scale socialist adventures that is sure to come with this new administration. But in fact, I am a little curious about what the future holds for this country. In conversations with older Indian “uncles” over my Christmas break, it was interesting to hear them pontificate on the death of the American Empire. Many cited the Russian professor, heralded by the Russian state media, who declared that the United States would break up into collection of independent states by 2025. He declared that Alaska would simply go to Russia and that other states would break away and join Canada and Mexico. The ludicrious prediction isn’t the point. Russia is barely surviving as a large scale global power at the moment as China and India continue their meteroical ascent. Mexico was just declared close to being a basket case by the U.S military and Canada isn’t exactly looking to add on more states as they face a constitutional breakdown of goverment. The point though, is that people are now contemplating and openly discussing the downward trend of the American Empire. I find myself intrigued by the conversations as more and more people declare their intentions to leave the country in the next few years. I surprised myself when I found that I joined the chorus when I declared my intentions to my parents to leave the country once I recieved my Bachelor’s Degree or after I was done with my Masters. I have a deep feeling though, that America is not done. Many have predicted the demise of the United States before. The last time feelings were this nasty was during the end of Jimmy Carter’s reign. Ronald Reagan stepped in to usher the United States onto the world’s stage again. Presidents since have tried to allude themselves to Reagan in their attempts to make their own mark on history. America has never fallen, even if it is a young nation on the global stage. It will continue to flourish despite bumps along the way. Only thing that must continue is the idea or myth of America as a land of opportunities. The line has to be long to get into this nation. People have to be aware that it’s worth it to come here. This nation must also hold true to free-market principles. I’m increasingly surprised at the amount of people who are unaware of how good it is to have a libertarian principle in life. I’m currently writing a piece for the Conservative Voice (a student led publication on campus) about why a Christian can hold free-market principles and not have it be in opposition to biblical standards. I’ll post it on here when I’m done.
I’m on twitter now: you can find me at http://www.twitter.com/decruzp
Until next time. As my friend Ryan would say, Grace and Peace!
My friend Ruhan Philip from Seattle posted this song on Facebook today. I’m absolutely proud of this guy and this song. He is incredibly honest with himself and others as one can easily understand from the following. Read and comment and offer suggestions for Ruhan. My understanding is that there is no tune for it yet.
Darkness surrounds
a hurl of crashing sounds,
I have lost my way
Backslider is my name
but your grace remains
your grace remains
what have i become
to what extent have i spun
in an opposite direction
a composite inflection
I am bending the wrong way
I’ve taken an angle astray
from where I should be
from where I should be
chorus:
But there You are
Calling my name
Calling my name,
There YOU are
coming after me
coming after me
I abandoned you
but yet you remain
I am slipping
i am falling
the world’s crashing down
the world’s crashing down
i can’t bear my sin
emptiness is beating my win
i feel that all is lost
I feel that i’ve run to far behind…
(chorus)
bridge:
there you are
your piereced hands reach out
and your love so profound
I’ve always loved the name of our arena.
The Rose Garden.
When news broke a while back that the name might be changed, I became like a fanatic freedom fighter. “I refuse to call it anything but the Rose Garden,” I emphatically pounded my fist on the table. “It will always be the Rose Garden!” My roommates all glanced at each other momentarily and then glanced right back into their books. I was in Los Angeles County, the unfortunate Mecca for those fair-weather, smog inhaling Lakers fans. I was right in the northern area, surrounded by fans of the “Purple and Gold” and—even worse—those who did not care.
Being a Portland Trail Blazers fan in an area like Southern California can be treacherous to your health. I remember one moment in 2000 when my family went to visit Disneyland, a bright spot in what is otherwise an awful town. We were walking through one of the major streets when someone in a Lakers jersey walked by. I looked directly at the chubby white man with intense dislike. This was in the heat of the Western Conference Finals the one with the Game 7, which ruined [THIS SECTION HAS BEEN REMOVED FOR HEALTH REASONS]. I was about to open my mouth and say something when someone else stepped out of the walking crowd. He was holding his beautiful young wife’s hand and definitely looked like a tourist. He gazed at the Mr. Lakers fan’s jersey and said in the most deathly polite way: “Lakers suck.”
The moment began in slow motion. The moment when the words left the brave man’s mouth was a freeze frame. It was like the screen grab basketball television announcers use to draw diagrams about what the team did right during a game.
You see, Tom, right here we have a zone defense that completely collapsed under the weight of that Blazer offense coming out of that man’s mouth. Maybe the announcers would have drawn a circle around the fat Lakers fan’s torso and a large ‘X’ on his face.
While the analogy works, I think a better picture is painted when you consider the moment in reference to a good action film. This could be the moment when the bullet hits the villain right in the gut and he gyrates everywhere until he falls to his usually gory death. I hope I’m conveying the intensity and utter drip-drip-like tension of the moment here.
The evil Lakers fan looked around, obviously shocked. I’m sure if he was like any other Laker fan he must have picked up his jersey at the end of the season when he realized the team was worth supporting. He probably didn’t even know who number 34 was. He opened his mouth possibly thinking of a good retort in his mind. It took a second longer than he or anyone else anticipated which gave me an excellent opportunity. I had been presented with an incredible chance to show my Blazers pride and to stick the dagger to an unaware victim. I looked at the man who had thrown the first volley and smiled. He nodded back, probably insecure in his sexuality, and confused at why this young Indian boy was smiling at him. It was like in those old wrestling videos when Bret Hart tags Owen Hart and Owen comes rushing out with a gorgeous haymaker that knocks the opponent out. It was like those Athenians who stayed with the Spartans to fight the advancing Persian army.
I straightened my shoulders and said “Yeah! Lakers suck!”
Ah. What a glorious attack! What wit!
Not in the least. I had the equivalent of a Maginot on offense. I had allowed my tongue to create an insipid phrase in a glorious battle between professional basketball fans. The other Blazers fan looked away, his heartbreak showing on his face. Sweat formed on my forehead and my palms were clammy like the time I held Stacy Weil’s hands during All My Life by Kc and JoJo at the 8th grade dance.
I had failed. Or at least I believed I did until the Lakers fan looked at me, shocked that two fans from Portland were in his turf. He looked down at the ground and shuffled his feet away slowly. I perked my shoulders up and had the largest grin that I have ever had on my face. A corner-to-corner smile was plastered across this young Blazers fan’s face as I walked away. The good guys had won.
It is now 2008 and another Blazers season has begun. We aren’t as good as the team we had in 2000 but boy, it feels good to be a fan again. Sure we lost that 2000 series, but maybe it was a good thing. It is nice to come up from Los Angeles for my winter break and see my dear friend Lainie share about how much she loves our guys.
Our guys. I like that.
We may not win this year. And we may not win next year.
Heck, they may even change the name of the arena to Chase Bank Arena. No they may not, that would be awful.
Whatever happens though, these guys are our guys. And I would go fight for their cause any day.
UPDATED: Changed heath to health thanks to a belligerent Lakers fan. Thanks, Benjamin 
We had Thanksgiving in Pullman with my sister and brother-in-law this year. It is common in American popular culture to assume that on Thanksgiving Day, Americans gorge on a Thanksgiving lunch or dinner that is in fact too large and too unhealthy for their own good. After a hearty meal, it is assumed that most American men sit down in front of the television to watch a football game. I’m not sure if any of the above is true, but I know that my family did very much the opposite. We ate Indian food first because the turkey dinner wasn’t done yet. We didn’t watch football either. We put on CNN International to watch as terrorists held a city captive. I was in Portland, Oregon when they started. My obsession with Drudge Report didn’t provide me with information this time and neither did my obsession with other news sources. Apparently, American news networks had decided for the first few hours of the terrorist attacks in Mumbai that another attack that went after more brown people didn’t really matter. I learned about everything from one of my favorite blogs, Sepia Mutiny. A post from Ennis spoke about what was happening and I instantly saw images of a police jeep in screeching through a Mumbai streets indiscriminately shooting at journalists and local citizens.
I think the recklessness of the terrorists was tamed by how well planned the whole situation was. One can picture a twelve year old playing Grand Theft Auto and creating the sort of havoc that has been on display for the past 48 hours and more in Mumbai, India. Bomb blasts across the south of the city, random young men in jeans and t-shirts with backpacks strapped to their backs, commandos rushing in from helicopters—it all had the feel of a poor Tom Clancy novel. The most frightening aspect of this crisis isn’t even the fact that this is a terrorist attack, because it doesn’t follow what we in the West are used to when we hear the words terrorist attack. This has the feel of a Columbine shootout; maybe even a Virginia Tech. There were random shootings at first, then a search for the American and British civilians. I couldn’t pry myself away from the television and couldn’t stop following the news online. The local TV news stations in India were the most irritating, giving up the tactical positions of commandos as they rappelled down onto hotel rooftops. Things were so chaotic that I couldn’t keep up with the events as they unfolded. A blast heard at the Oberoi hotel? Was this the same one that happened an hour ago? Gunshots heard and hostages taken? Where did this happen? And how? I gave in to the chaos and simply listened as talking head after talking head appeared on the screen and gave their take on what was happening. I could tell they were as helpless as I was as helpless as the hostages were as helpless as the police trying to rescue them. The terrorists were in control and the terrorists would still be in control when all this was over.
After all the terrorist attacks of the past few years; after all the bombings, rioting, and numerous deaths, I think this one will have a different reaction. I think the Indian government will finally stop with their weak-kneed response to such blatant acts of terrorism. This is a wake-up call for the rest of the world as well. President-elect Obama cannot afford to ignore the real threat of terrorism around the world. Extremism, whether it is Christian, Hindu, or Muslim needs to be stamped out around the world. Violent behavior has to be stood up to. We must have an attitude of confronting these terrorists wherever they are and destroying them. This is not an Indian problem. It is not an American problem. This is a worldwide cancer, which must be stopped at all costs. I’ve heard the word complacency repeated in recent days. That’s exactly what this is all about. We cannot afford this attitude any longer. Extremism is real and it breeds real terrorism. Perhaps we can all wake up to this reality.
I saw prominent blowhard Deepak Chopra on television yesterday criticizing American actions worldwide for these particular attacks. Perhaps he would like to explain to the scores of Indians who died how they were responsible for Afghanistan or Iraq.
A note about the residents of Mumbai is necessary at this point. I read story after story about how hotel staff acted so calmly when protecting tourists and other hotel guests. I hope more inspirational stories such as these come out in the following days.
Soon the rest of the terrorists will die. Perhaps more hostages will be killed. The streets will be quiet again while city-workers mop up the blood. Terrorism will not go away. It’s time we all woke up. Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.